Facing the Death of a Loved One with Peace

Bonne Maman holding me on the day of my baptism

My paternal grand mother died on February 29th, 1984.  I remember that day as if it was yesterday.

I was 17 and had been very close to her.  We lived on the outskirts of Paris at the time, in a beautiful home built in 1900.

My siblings and I were playing dress up and having a really fun time.

When I heard mom come home, I came running down the stairs, laughing boisterously.  I stopped dead in my tracks as mom uttered ” This is no time to be laughing.  Go get changed and come back down”

Something was terribly wrong.

The air was suddenly so thick I could not breathe.

Then I saw my uncle and my cousin sitting on the couch in dad’s office behind mom.  They looked white as a ghost.

Why were they here?

What was wrong?

Was dad Okay?

I looked at mom and as she said in a quiet voice “Bonne Maman has passed away” I screamed a piercing “Nooooooo!”‘

I ran upstairs barely able to breathe screaming repeatedly, “No!  No! No!”

I ripped my wig and costume off and fell onto my bed, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed for what seemed like an eternity.  I could not yet come to terms with the fact that my grandmother was no longer with us.  Nothing had prepared me for her death.  She was still so young and had not been sick so why had she suddenly left us?

As I thought about wonderful times we’d spent together at her home in Troyes, sharing stories in her beautiful backyard… The wonderful dishes she cooked for us every time she came to stay with us… embroidery lessons, games, her combing my hair and the way she smelled when I hugged her.. tears slowed down… the agony I felt was slowly replaced with a warmth I could not completely understand.

I got dressed and slowly made my way back down to be with mom. That evening we went to my grandmother’s apartment in Paris.

There she lay, so beautiful on her bed, her lips in a sweet smile, as though she was sleeping.  As I stood vigil by her side, I went from tears to smiles and back to tears again. I was both gripped with agonizing pain, and filled with complete stillness.  At times I could swear I saw her breathe.  And I wanted to jump and shake her awake. But I knew.   Deep down, I knew.   She was gone. Angels surrounded her and she was on her way to Heaven.

Having that peaceful moment with my grandmother allowed me to have closure and to say the goodbyes I had not been able to say before she passed.  Seeing her so peaceful let me know that she had died gently, without suffering.  It was a beautiful way to accept that passage from life to death to life again into another realm.

I did not have that moment of closure when my maternal grandfather when he died four years earlier.  He died of a heart attack while taking a shower.  He was in his sixties.  Because he lived in Texas, mom was the only one who could attend his funeral. She left the night that we heard the news. I wandered aimlessly for days in my garden while she was gone.  I would climb to the top of my favorite tree and cry for hours.

My grandfather had been such a blessing!  We only saw him and my grandma every other summer.  Mom would take my three siblings and I to Texas for two months.  Dad would join us for a couple of weeks.  Those summers were pure magic!  I have so many fond memories of my time there.  I think that’s why I’ve made it a priority for my daughters to spend all of their summers in France with my parents.  I want them to have their little treasure chest of memories as well.

Everyone wore white at my grandpa’s funeral mass.  His family chose to celebrate his life and his passage to a new and eternal life.  All the flowers were white as well.  We celebrated my grandma’s life in the same way when she died shortly after her eighty first birthday.  I was a that funeral and it was truly beautiful.   There is nothing easy about losing a loved one, but all the white flowers and the focus on the resurrection filled me with a deep peace.

Being raised catholic I have that certainty that my loved ones have not completely left me.  Believing in Heaven is a soothing belief when faced with such a difficult loss.

Death is never easy to face, no matter how old we are.  I’m grateful for the way my family has lived these losses. I pray that when the time comes, I can help my daughters cross that path in a peaceful way.  That I can help them face their pain and hold on to the beauty they know.

Here are some of the things that I believe are important in helping our children handle the loss of a loved one with peace.

Be Honest

My parents have always shared the news of a death in our family with complete honesty.  We’ve had long and interesting talks about the circumstances surrounding each death, and remembered beautiful times together.  I’m grateful for that honesty. It allowed me to accept things for what they were.  I had questions and they were answered.

Grieve openly

Seeing my father cry when his mother died was both heart wrenching and beautiful.  More than anything it made my pain easier to bear because I knew I was not alone with it.  And knowing that he felt that it was okay to cry in front of me, it made my tears okay as well.

Hold on to the good times

Sharing the memories of special times we had lived with our loved ones helped me to focus on the joy.  The memories I have are still as vivid in my mind today as ever.  Creating those special times is so important. Make sure your children have plenty of opportunities to create lasting memories with the people who are dear to them.

Write a letter to your loved one

Writing a letter to the person you lost is a beautiful way to express everything that can not be expressed any other way.  I wrote a letter to my cousin when he died.  His death was the most difficult death I have ever experienced.  He committed suicide when he was 21… I will never know why… never understand the agony that could have led him there.  Writing to him allowed me to sort through all my feelings.  To ask him the questions he could not answer.  I was angry, hurt, helpless… I buried that letter with him, and through that found a little bit of peace.

Find closure

Depending on the age of the child and the circumstances of your loved ones death, being able to say goodbye is important.  Seeing my grandmother so peaceful on her bed brought me peace.  After my cousin’s suicide, my aunt chose to have a private viewing of his body. I did not really want to attend but I am grateful that I did.  I could not deny his death… I also sensed that he was free.  He’d made a choice I will never understand but I felt that he was at peace.  I don’t know that I would bring a very young child to a viewing as it may too disturbing but there are other ways to create that closure that is so necessary.

Heaven?

As a christian I believe in Heaven. I am grateful for that.  It brings a special meaning to even the most difficult of times. I do not know how I would feel without that belief.  If that is not your belief, find a special way to keep your loved one present in your child’s life.

Death is the one certainty that we all have in life.  And noting about death is ever easy, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the death may be.  For young children it can be extremely destabilizing.  A child can suddenly loose touch with reality when someone dear passes away.  Being fully aware and available to our children in these trying times, is the best way to ease their pain.  Although the sun may set, the stars shine bright.  Help your little ones find beauty in the memories they keep in their hearts.