How Much Freedom of Expression Should We Give our Children?

When she was 12 years old, Alexandra told me that she wanted to get her belly button pierced.  She had seen a 15 year old friend of ours with a piercing and thought it was really pretty.  I told her I would consider it, but not before she was sixteen.  I somewhat figured that she would probably forget about it or change her mind between then and now.  No such luck!

Every now and then, over the past four years, she’d ask again , “When I’m sixteen…?”

Though I’ve had my ears pierced since I was 7, and the older two girls also got their ears pierced at the age of 7, I’m not a big fan of lots of piercings.  I believe it is important to allow our children the freedom to express their individuality in a variety of ways, but that I always have the right, or rather the obligation, to impose certain boundaries.

So, when Alexandra’s birthday came around, she was getting more and more excited about her piercing..  And she also wanted a teeny tiny piercing on her tragus,  the little piece of cartilage closest to the face.  I had said 16 after all, and she never forgot that.  I told Alexandra that I would have to be OK with the actual jewel she selected because, after all, I think she is a beautiful girl and wanted to be able to look at her without cringing. She showed me pictures online of some of the things she was considering and I was relieved that they were discreet.  We talked a lot about why she wanted to do this, and what it meant to her.  She wanted something unique that none of her friends had, and she felt strongly about it being a way to express herself.

What I really appreciated is that she did not act spontaneously and run into any tattoo or piercing parlor.  She researched different facilities, asked her friends for recommendations, then checked out their Yelp! ratings and read a ton of reviews.  This was not a whim, it was something she really wanted and felt strongly about.  And she wanted me to come with her and hold her hand.

I have to admit I stalled many times… “Tomorrow” I would say, and then somehow I would get busy…  I made her a promise and I was committed to honoring it, but every time I thought about it, my stomach turned.  Finally, we set a date and we went. The place she had selected was a half hour away.  She talked about it the whole drive and my stomach was in knots!  When we arrived I realized that the place was a tattooo parlor and worried I’d not be able to set foot (I hate needles!) But Alexandra told me that those were the safest places for piercings.

When we walked in I was instantly relieved.  The place was super clean and very professional. And I could tell that the man who welcomed us and would end up doing her piercings was extremely knowledgeable.  All of their jewels were of surgical grade steel and when it came to the navel jewels, the threading was internal so as not to cause unnecessary scarring. Alexandra had done her research and I have to say, I was impressed.

Now that we were ready to go, she had a little moment of “I’m scared it’s going to hurt” but she did not even flinch!  The guy was so fast and precise, and Alexandra was so stoic!  Before I knew it we were done and my 16 year old had finally gotten her wish she had made four years prior!

And I have to say, she made good choices.

Would I have chosen for my daughter to have piercings?  No. But it was important that I honor her choice.  And it was clear that she respected my opinion and wasn’t going to do something she would regret or that would make me upset.  This wasn’t about rebelling, it was about expressing who she is, as an individual.

Now had she wanted a tattoo, my answer probably would have been  different. When we were discussing why she wanted to do this before hand, she said, “Aren’t you glad I’m not asking you for a tattoo?.  As she reasoned, piercings can always be taken out, so if somehow you end up deciding that you don’t like it or want it anymore, it’s no big deal.  But a tattoo is permanent. Phew, I’m glad that we agree on that one!

I love that my girls have always had a strong sense of self. They each have their own style that is expressed in many ways, especially in how they choose to dress.  And so far, I’ve always approved of their individual choices.  Nothing has been too racy or crazy so as to make me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about being seen with them.

PinkBootsSince she was a toddler Sabrina has always known exactly what she wants to wear.  She is my little fashionista through and through!  And I have learned that it’s best for me not to shop for her when I’m on my own, because what I like may not be what she likes… She has her favorites, like her silver or her sparkly leggings. And of course her pink cowboy boots, and she’ll come up with all sorts of unique outfits that are just her. She may wear her pink cowboy boots with a little dress, or with a pair of shorts and a fuzzy pink jacket… The challenge with her has been that when she has something in mind, nothing else will do… and there have been times when we’ve left for school with Sabrina in her undies and a couple of choices in the car, because the one pair of leggings she wanted was dirty and nothing else seemed to strike her fancy.  By the time we got to school she was fine with other choices. Sometimes flexibility overrides self expression.

Self expression is something that I believe to be extremely important.  I want my girls to have the confidence to express their individuality and be comfortable with who they are as people.  I like for them to stand out from the crowd rather than blindly follow the latest trend… create their signature look that is trendy but uniquely theirs.

Giving them the freedom to try different things is a way to show them that I respect them.  There are boundaries, and my girls know them and respect them. But if they want to wear crazy nail polish, or die their hair tips pink for a week or so… that’s OK by me.

In what ways do your children show their creative spirit and sense of individuality?

Comments

  1. I agree that piercings vs. tattoos is definitely a better way to express yourself. My sister went the tattoo route while I chose the piercing route. My sister is completely okay with her choices and has never regretted them. I think it is a generational thing and the fact that I am not her mother that I have never looked at her different and when I think of her or visit her, I don’t even see them. I know my mother and my grandmother were upset, but my other grandma who is an artist has always defended my sister and her choice in tattoos saying that they are artwork and very expressive of herself.

    • It’s such a personal thing isn’t it Mary? We all have a different sense of esthetics. I personally prefer a clean look and will use clothes, accessories and jewelry to express my creative and sometimes wild and crazy side… It allows me to change it up any time I please. I love that your more artistic grandma appreciates your sister’s tattoo… I have seen tattoos that I find beautiful from an art pint of view, and people who look really good with them.. but it’s not something I would choose for myself, and as long as I have a choice, not for my daughters. Obviously, once they are adults, they can do as they please and I will respect their choices, whatever those may be 😉

  2. It can be really hard to find the right balance point between giving them the freedom to choose and trying to sway them to what you think is right for them. I have to keep reminding myself that I want my daughter to be a strong and independent person and that means giving her the freedom to express herself. So far she’s made some really smart choices and they are not necessarily ones I would have made. 🙂

    • I agree Debra, finding that balance can be a real challenge! I too am grateful that my girls tend to make choices I can approve of. Your daughter sounds like she knows how to find balance between being herself and respecting your choices as well 🙂 It does go both ways!

  3. Alexandra’s one smart cookie! You must be proud that she did all that research in anticipation.

    • Yes Cassi, I was really proud and impressed by the amount of research she did! It showed me that this was something really important and that she wouldn’t risk getting an infection just to get a piercing. I had no idea how much time she had devoted to this and how thorough she had been!

  4. I have to say that I am a fan of art and have six tattoos. Though I have six if you looked at me you would never think that. When I got my first one, I was working in the business world so decided if I was to get one it had to be very tasteful and a place where I could cover it up. I can go to a business meeting and not a one would show. I am proud of my tattoos and not afraid to show them in the right setting.

    I am one that on the other hand have never really got into piercing. My ears are pierced but that is all. We also waited for our daughter until she could ask for them and know how to take care of them.

    Both tattoos and piercing, in my opinion, need to be tasteful and done in a safe environment. It is wonderful that your daughter really researched her options.

    • Woohoo Elizabeth! I agree that both tattoos and piercings have to be tasteful, especially on girls… I have seen some tattoos that I have found really beautiful and artistic. I even considered for a little while getting a teeny tiny one on my hip… but it’s really not for me.. With both tattoos and piercings, so much depends on the individual. With some people it’s so much a part of their personality that it would almost be strange if they didn’t have it! I’ve seen one or two people with tattoos that covered a significant part of their bodies, including head and neck and it looked really beautiful, like a walking piece of art… but I think people who can pull that off are exceptional and I would probably freak out if either of my daughters chose to express her artistic side in such an extreme way 😉

      I have also seen people, including a couple of teens with piercings that are just not attractive! I can’t look at them without feeling pain!

      What makes me cringe is when I see teens get either tattoos or piercings because it’s “the thing to do” And the tattoos are random and not particularly artistic or they have way too many piercings.. In the end it is about personal choice and personal taste isn’t it? And when the girls become adults, who knows what they will choose!

  5. It is so amazing how many young people get piercings or tattoos with thinking about the reality. Another factor is that some are doing them in unsafe conditions. If a person gets a tattoo or piercing in an unsterile environment it can cause long term damage.

    • You are right Susan, so many youngsters don’t worry about the environment of the place they go to. Whether it’s clean and the artist have the proper credentials… It’s a shame because it can indeed lead to some serious problems! I do see a LOT more tattoos and piercing today than I ever did when I was young. I can;t remember a single classmate of mine in high school or college that had any tattoos, and just a handful of girls that had a second or third piercing on their ears…

  6. Our older son got a tattoo while away at his first semester in college. He is very frugal, so I was really surprised that he was willing to spend money on a custom tattoo. It is a large northwestern (US) tribe eagle covering his right pectoral, but is not visible when wearing work clothes. Our other son (the travel blogger), went to NY and got a tattoo on his 18th birthday. He has since added two more—more visible, but still possible to cover up. Do I approve? No, but they waited until they were adults and took matters into their own hands. They will have to live with the consequences — if any.
    (Found you on BHB).

    • The eagle tattoo of your oldest son Suzanne, actually sounds like it could be really beautiful! Yes once they are off to college and on their own our children do take matters into their own hands. Sometimes we approve, sometimes we don’t. I know my parent did not approve of all my choices but one think I knew without the shadow of a doubt, is that they respected them. That meant the world to me and is probably the reason I feel so strongly about respecting mt daughter’s choice as well.

  7. While I think children should have some freedom, until they are out of the house as a parent you should have some controls. I don’t think children understand the full outcome of their decisions when they are young until they experienced life. When I think of tattoos I think of the comedian George Carlin.

  8. Valerie, this is a great post and something that all parents should read! I don’t have any daughters, but I’m raising 2 boys and we, too, have these same issues to deal with. I’m fortunate in that my 16-year-old son has not wanted any tattoos or piercings even though some of his friends have them already. What I love about your approach to parenting is that you loved your daughter enough to say “not now”. Too many parents say “yes” because they forget that they are the parent and/or they simply don’t want to deal with the confrontation of an upset child. I love that you talked with her about it early and that you were involved in the actual process. I also love that your daughter respected you enough to abide by your rules instead of rushing out to have it done secretly and then just seek your forgiveness. What that shows is that you have done a great job of parenting her all the way through her childhood. She knows you love her and want the best for her and that shows in her desire to honor your desire.

    Great job, Valerie. Not just with this article but with your parenting!!

  9. This is a beautiful story, Valerie. I love it. You have inspired me to write a blog post “response” because I was reminded of an amazing resource for parents through your experience and that which a childhood friend shared on Facebook recently. I agree with your decision 100%!

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