The Gift of Indepence

Last Friday was a big day for our family.  Our 15 year old Alexandra left for a three month visit to Rome. She’ll be attending the “Institut Saint Dominique” a French/ International school and learning Italian while maintaining all of her regular classes.

The family welcoming her lives in Naples so she will board at the school during the school week, and spend her weekends in Naples with the host family.  This is a beautiful opportunity for her and we were thrilled to let her go.

But… it’s never easy to let your baby go, no matter how much you know it will benefit them.

As things quieted down around me and all the distractions disappeared I was faced with the hard reality that I was going to miss her!

As I settled into sleep that night I started sobbing.  No hugs, no more kisses, no heart to heart conversation… all those little moments I most cherish with Alexandra will not be a part of my life for the next three months!

I am blessed to share a beautiful and strong relationship with each one of my girls, and when one is missing, it hurts. I have two other daughters, and my house is not going to be suddenly empty, but each one of them fills it in a special – and different – way. Now don’t get me wrong, I won’t wallow in misery, but I do have my moments, such as Friday night, when I laid down to sleep and allowed myself to feel the pain. I let the tears roll out.  But as I cry, I realize I am deeply grateful to know such intense love, and to have such a beautiful and powerful reason to cry.

This is certainly not the first time Alexandra has gone on an extended trip abroad.  When she was five years old I took her, and Natasha who was barely 18 months at the time, to visit my parents in the South of France. Two and a half weeks later I came home to LA with Natasha, and left Alexandra to enjoy the rest of her summer with my parents.  My Mom would bring her home at the end of August.

I received a jarring call from my uncle 10 days after I returned home. He said he was calling because my Dad had asked him to let me know that they were all okay…!  

Wait!

What?

Those words shook me to the core…

Why did I need the reassurance?  What had happened?  And how was Alexandra?

Moments like these are torturous agony when the distance is an insurmountable abyss.  The lack of information instantly slams your imagination into a scary hyper-drive of terrifying scenarios. But this time reality trumped my imagination.

The South of France was in flames!

40 arson fires had been set simultaneously.  Firemen were overwhelmed and could not cover all fires at once. My parents had lost power and water and we had no way of reaching them.

Was my baby safe? My uncle reassured me everyone was fine, but still I felt powerless holding the phone half a world away.

Two days later Mom was able to reach me from her cell phone with the details… Three fourths of our property had been burned, but Dad had saved the house!  As she was leaving her horseback riding class Alexandra had seen smoke and had mom call my Dad.  This call forever changed my families destiny.  

Mom and Alexandra were the last ones allowed up their road before the area was closed off.  No one was allowed to leave.  It was too dangerous.

When they got home, Dad was busy battling the fire with flames raging all around the house.  They jumped in the pool while Dad did all he could to keep his family safe.  And he did!  He fought the flames for a full Seven hours – and saved the house, Mom and Alexandra.  Triumph!

But had it not been for my daughter’s quick thinking this day could have ended in tragedy.

You see, as it turned out, Dad was sound asleep as the fire raced toward our family home. The phone call woke my father up in time to rush outside and begin fighting the fire. This was the difference between total unthinkable disaster and my father pulling off a great feat. Ten minutes later and my Mom and daughter would have arrived to see our home engulfed in flames with my poor Dad trapped inside.

When I spoke to Alexandra a few days later, she told me that her “papi” was a hero!  That he was and will forever be… but I think she’s a hero too.

Mom asked me if I wanted her to bring Alexandra home right away. I decided to let her play it by ear, because I thought it would be best if Alexandra could stay, so she could see that life goes back to normal, even after such a tragedy.

Now, as you can imagine, I wanted nothing more than to hold her tight, but I knew it would be unwise to rush her home.  I trusted that if God had kept her and my parents safe through all of this, she would be okay staying a bit longer.  It turned out to be the right decision. She stayed for seven weeks and every day she saw new sprouts come though the charred soil, new life all around.  She did her share of scrubbing and cleaning and it turned out to be a beautiful summer for her, and the most powerful bond between her and my parents was forged forever.

Since then Alexandra and Natasha have spent just about every summer with my parents in France, and I am eternally grateful for that.

But…

That has also led to many more painful moments for me.  When Alexandra was eight she asked if she could stay in France for the whole year! And that was the beginning of another amazing journey, and more tears for mommy!  She did not stay right then and there but plans were slowly put into place and when she turned 11 she left for a full year in the South of France with my parents.  It was an amazing year for her, and she returned so grown up, and she had truly matured into a beautiful and strong young lady.

Natasha followed in her footsteps and spent last year with my parents as well. She too has blossomed from the experience.  I could write a book about the benefits of these trips for my girls and will forever be grateful to my parents who welcomed them with open arms and open hearts!  My parents are truly exceptional!

So separation is not an uncommon occurrence in our family, but this time is it a little different because she is not going with family.  However, I know the value of this experience and I let her go with joy.

Last Friday evening, as we drove her to the airport, Alexandra reminded me of something she had expressed beautifully when she filled in her application for this trip to Rome.

The question was: “Since it’s a long trip abroad (3 months !), how do you feel about such a long departure from family and friends?”

Here is an excerpt from her answer:

“I love traveling so much that I don’t think about what I am missing out on back home, I think about what I am doing in the moment and make the best of it. No matter where I go I know I will always come back home.  And I know my parents want me to do what makes me happy, and what makes me a better, more rounded person and never want to hold me back on amazing opportunities like this.  They trust me and trust that the choices I make are the right ones. I am grateful for their love and support.  I know it is not easy for parents to let their children go and I appreciate the sacrifice my parents have made for me and the amazing opportunities they have already allowed me to have.”

Just reading her answer again brings tears to my eyes. I see what a truly beautiful and mature young lady she already is. In these few lines I am able to gaze into the depths or her soul… but I also see she understands one of the most important things in life…  Live in the moment!  And live each moment fully!

Another important idea that she communicates beautifully is the idea of trust!  I think that it is so important for your children to know that you trust them explicitly and have complete faith in them.  I do trust my girls and know that they will make wise decisions no matter where they are in the world. I’m also confident that they will share their mistakes with me and that we will learn from them together.  I trust them to behave well when they are guests in another home, and I trust that they will make me proud.

If there is one certainty in parenting it is that our children will leave us.  No matter how much we may want to, we cannot hold onto to them forever.  The very best gift we can give them is the gift of independence, to prepare them to live life on their terms with confidence, strength and joy!

As parents I believe this is our most important role:  to raise self confident, independent young men and women that will be well equipped to navigate the “great big world out there.”

Do you have a special story to share?  we’d love to hear your thoughts on raising independent children.

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